Anger Control and Anger Management Techniques
What was the last time you got angry? I'm sure you don't have good memories... Here in this episode, we're going to talk about why we get angry, how we can control our anger, and the main techniques we can use to manage it.
I remember a person who got angry at his friend for not paying his hefty debt to himself. The man could not bear this situation any longer and finally went to the debtor's door to ask him for his money. But the debtor told him he couldn't give it now. When the man heard this, what should he do, he got even more angry and stuck in the throat of the debtor. He threatened him in front of his wife and father. In the end, this matter went to court. As the man could not get his money, he was also convicted of assault and threats.
Traji-komik bir durum. Ancak buna benzer olaylar hayatın içinde maalesef sıklıkla yaşanıyor. Her zaman olduğu gibi öfkeyle kalkan, zararla oturuyor. Biliyoruz ki öfke, kendimizi kaybederek kaybedebileceğimiz bir şey değildir.” (Anger Management, 2003)
Why Do We Get Angry?
There are many reasons in life that make us angry. For example, to suffer injustice or injustice. Or that something we desperately want doesn't happen. Most of the time, the cause of anger is someone else's anger directed at us. Sometimes we get so angry about this situation that we try to take the pain out of nowhere; for example from our loved ones or ourselves.
Fears are at the root of anger… Fear of loss, feeling worthless or helplessness are some of them. In such situations, we become angry and often run the risk of losing control. “Fear is fertile; His child is also anger, and anger demands revenge.” (Stephen King) If you feel a sense of revenge, know that you are angry with someone or something.
It may do you good to realize how angry you are. To measure your anger level, ask yourself how angry you are right now on a scale of 1 to 10. Then specify what must happen in order for your given number to be under two points. And try to give a harmless and intelligent response that is within your control.
Education Required!
Anger turns into a physical reaction so quickly that there is a perception as if both are happening at the same time. However, it is not always necessary to coincide with a person's being angry and resorting to violence. Anger can sometimes manifest as psychological violence. We attack with words.
We experience another type of anger by throwing it inside ourselves. We try to suppress anger. Volcanoes erupt inside us, especially when we cannot reflect it. Along with this gnawing feeling of anger, we also have to deal with the disappointment and sadness that comes with it. The resulting sadness is another expression of helplessness and can become fatal in the long run.
As with all emotions, we always look for the causes of anger outside. But when we do this, we are at the mercy of external circumstances and put ourselves in the position of a victim. If another person or situation can make me angry, then I am not in control of my own life. If I'm not in control, someone else can make me do things I don't want by angering me. Of course I will not allow that. I can prevent this by using my mind. And if I understand that all the emotions I feel are caused by my thoughts, I can control my emotions by changing them. And after all, I can manage my anger the way I want.
“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” (R. W. Emerson) If you don't control your anger, your anger will control you. And with great pleasure. Managing anger is actually a skill that needs to be learned. If we did not encounter a good model in our childhood, we must learn it only by groping or by educating ourselves.
The Energy of Anger
Anger is such a strong emotion that it causes a high energy to emerge that will prepare a person for a war. When the energy of anger is released, we need to drain it, direct it towards something harmless and positive. Some are able to use its energy as fuel to achieve their goals in business, the arts or sports.
So, you don't have to have an anger problem to gain good anger management skills. We can make positive use of the power of this tremendous energy and try to turn it into a useful output for the increase of our personal effectiveness. For example, let's say you encounter a situation that has the potential to anger you. Someone is insulting, intimidating, or making fun of you. Or you're just facing a situation that will drive you crazy. You can view such events as an opportunity to respond more intelligently. You are giving a "response" to it, not a "reaction". Imagine that you are approaching the person or situation in front of you with a higher consciousness. Make it a habit to ask yourself this question: How can I respond more intelligently to this situation?
Breathing Technique for Anger Control
When we get angry, our breathing rhythm is interrupted. We stop breathing and begin to breathe shallowly. Oxygen flow to our brain decreases. Our heart beats fast, blood is pumped, but there is not much oxygen in the blood. That's why when we get angry suddenly, we can't think clearly, don't know what we are saying and act impulsively that we will regret later.
Osho mentions that in Japan, children are taught a very simple method of anger management: Whenever you feel anger, they say, do nothing about it, just breathe deeply. When you try this, you will see that you are not angry. It becomes impossible to be angry. So why? Why can't you be angry because you took a deep breath? There are two reasons for this: You start to breathe deeply, but anger needs a certain breathing rhythm, and without this rhythm it is impossible to be angry. In order for anger to exist, it is necessary to breathe in a certain rhythm or intermittently. ritimde veya kesik kesik nefes almak gerekir.
Nothing corrupts human thought more than anger, says Montaigne. Anger locks up the thinking process and causes us to do things we wouldn't usually do. We can think of the energy of anger as a pressure cooker, if we don't let it go in a controlled way, it will explode as the pressure rises and harm everyone.
Creative Expression of Anger
Anger, like all emotions, seeks a way to express itself. Finding a way to express it in a healthy and helpful way will facilitate the release of anger. Everyone gets angry from time to time, this is a normal emotion to experience. However, some people get angry more easily and a lot more than others. Personality structure, upbringing or a difficult period may have been effective in this. Especially these people have to manage their anger better.
If you often find yourself in an angry state lately, it is obvious that you should be more careful about anger management, especially during this period.
The first thing we do when we feel that you are going through an angry period is to be conscious of the need to discharge this energy. The resulting energy needs to be directed towards something positive or at least harmless. All means of self-expression are valuable in this respect: It will be good for you to spend time on many artistic activities you can think of, such as speaking, writing, singing, painting. In addition, all regular sports activities will help us balance this energy.
People who can't express themselves well get angry more easily. This is like speaking in a language that you understand but cannot respond to. If you have limited means of expressing your anger, you are more prone to violence, the most primitive method known. “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent,” says Isaac Asimov. One of the reasons for poor anger management is this lack of skill.
Writing is one of the most effective means of expressing feelings. It would be good for you to write an article where you can express your own feelings, such as I am very angry at this situation or this behavior made me feel bad. Every unexpressed emotion becomes a prison for us. If you are angry with a certain person, try expressing yourself by writing to them. And throughout the article, instead of using blaming language, try to focus on how it makes you feel. Also, you don't have to convey it to him. Go close. You can even do this for a deceased person.
Positive Suggestions
In moments of anger, the thinking mechanism is short-circuited. So before you do something stupid, you need something to buy you time. You can say a word or act to yourself that has the power to calm you down: For example, out loud to yourself: “Goosfraba!” say or “I'm in control!” or “Calm down now!” Say suggestive phrases such as You can also write them on a piece of paper and put them in your pocket. Take it out of your pocket when you need it and read it aloud to yourself.
It is a simple and effective method to get away from your environment when you are angry. But when that's not possible, you can find a way to take your mind off that environment. Try to visualize a calmer image of yourself. In the midst of all this turmoil, imagine your confident stance and self-control. Visualize the photo of that calm expression on your face in detail. You stand upright like a strong rock. And you know that a wind can only take dust from a rock.
As a more general study, you can try this. Now close your eyes and try to recall a time when you were able to stay fairly calm. You must have had such an experience before. Re-envision this memory in detail. What do you notice? When you look at yourself from the outside, what did you do differently in that situation and you were able to stay calm? Make a note of this if you wish. You can use these things you notice as a technique for keeping yourself calm in the future.
Also, when you're angry, it's good to use humor. Think how funny what makes you so angry can actually appear in someone else's eyes. “Speak when you're angry. You will see that you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” (Ambrose Bierce)
Angerless Communication
Part of anger management is also about improving communication skills. Being able to verbally express yourself and your emotions well is a virtue that will be beneficial both in your personal success and in getting along with some human-like life forms. For this, you can go in front of the mirror and try to do exercises to express your own feelings. Or visualize it and imagine yourself speaking in front of people in a calm and confident manner.
Thomas Jefferson has a classic saying about anger management: If you're angry, count to ten before you speak; If you are very angry, count to 100. My suggestion is to combine this method with diaphragmatic breathing. This will make it much easier for you to calm down. For example, inhale and say “One Breath” and release. Then breathe in and say “Two Breaths” and release. Then continue this way, counting to 10. It will work!
People usually do not pay much attention to colloquial language. But words are very powerful tools that enable us to experience emotions. Angry people use expressions such as "I'm angry", "I'm angry", "this pisses me off" much more often. Being aware of this, you can take care to choose your own words more carefully.
Also, when we are angry, we show more interest in situations that reinforce our anger. We pay attention to violent films, texts or music. But all this makes us even more angry. We should be aware of this and try to stay away from such actions and try to spend more time on things that calm us.
Anecdote of a Zen Master
Osho says that you are the cause of all anger, you are its source. If someone is making you angry, it means someone has given you a chance to become aware of your own anger. Thank him and forget him. Immediately close your eyes and look inside, look for the source of this anger. You will find the source there, because the anger comes from your source. Use anger, use hate, use love to go inside. We always use it to go to the other and get very angry when there is no one to reflect it. Then we project them even onto inanimate objects. * (Bu içeriğin video anlatımı için tıklayınız: Why are you angry?)
Osho describes this with the anecdote of a Zen master:
“When I was young, boats fascinated me. I had a small rowboat and I would sail out to the lake alone. I would stay there for hours. Once, on a beautiful night, I was meditating in my boat with closed eyes. An empty boat came downstream and crashed into mine. My eyes were closed, so I thought: Someone came in his boat and crashed into my boat. Anger rose within me. I opened my eyes, and as I was about to say something to the man in anger, I realized that the boat was empty. Then there was no direction left to move. To whom would I express my anger? The boat was empty. It was just swimming downstream and it came and crashed into my boat. So there was nothing to do. I couldn't project my anger onto an empty boat. I closed my eyes. The anger was there, but I swam back to anger because I couldn't find a way out. And that empty boat became my realization. That quiet night, I came to a point in me. That empty boat was my master. And now when someone comes and insults me, I laugh and say: This boat is also empty. I close my eyes and go inside. *
Source: Osho (2009) Secrets Book 1 (Trans. Niran Elçi), 2nd Edition, Omega Publications, Istanbul. *
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